Updated: May 13
It's been 9 years since I've been "momming."
A lot of times, I did not "mom."
A lot of times, I was focused on other "things."
A lot of times, I ran away, internally.
Many times, my desire was more than what I already had.
I was frustrated a lot of the times.
For many years, I was busy doing the job of a "mom" and wasn't actually being a mom.
For a long time I didn't know what a mom was. Not because I didn't have one, I just wasn't mature enough to understand this journey. This, calling. This, gift.
I conceived when I was twenty-one years old chasing after a young man who probably wasn't very interested in me; but, I gave myself away so easily. Who wouldn't take a cheap thrill at such a young and immature age?
I'm almost sure majority of parents in my generation did not plan on becoming parents when they became first time moms or dads.
I tell you one thing, B E C O M I N G a mother is probably the second best thing that happened to me. Though becoming a mother happened first, the first best thing that happened to me was receiving Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. Having a child brought me to the realization that life was bigger than myself and I needed something/someone bigger than myself to handle that truth.
Elise is eight years old.
All that my mom is.
I've learned that mothering is a process.
There's no "official" hand book on how to be a mother.
Not even the bible.
The bible does not give you the yearly and daily guide on what to do and how to do it.
But I tell you this: Prayer, lament, repentance, mentors, friends, and humility gets you far.
For a long time I attempted to be the perfect mother- alone.
I was broken and didn't trust a soul.
I felt as though everyone was against me and my internal battle with forgiveness and perfection did not allow me to trust my own mother's advice- unless I was desperate and God wasn't moving fast enough for me. It was about me and what people thought about me.
Quickly, I began to realize I needed help.
What did that help look like? Well,
Friends who were older than me and who were already going though the journey of being a mother
Friends who were new mothers growing with me
Honoring my co-parent
Trusting God and praying fervently
Constantly giving my daughter back to God
A FaithFILLED community
Humility to say I don't know how and I don't feel like I have it in me
Accepting that we are all imperfect
And it all what helped a lot.
Healing in the area of mother wounds truly allowed me freedom to love as well.
It wasn't until I accepted abundant life from Jesus, that I had the eyes to see I was DOING motherhood and not BEING a mother. It was then that I realized I had a hard time connecting with my own child and that maybe I didn't love her the way I thought I did.
Today I invite you to forgive and accept that your mom did the best she could. A person cannot give more than they have. Can you pay a bill with more money than you actually have? Step outside of yourself and consider the circumstances. How old was your mother when she conceived? How were you conceived? Was she raped or molested? Was her dad in her life? Did her mom show her affection? Was your mother ever in a position to receive love? Did she know Jesus? Was she still searching? Was she hurt? Then, consider these questions about her mother, your grandmother. Acknowledge where You are and give the hurt, disappointment, and bitterness to God. He's not mad at you, He's only waiting for you to release it to Him so that He may give you peace that surpasses understanding. Peace that guards your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
Children are these innocent beings born into a sinful, broken, evil world. They are raised by broken people who are on a journey that these children are about to embark on. A journey of purpose, destiny; a journey of self-discovery and they are being raised by people who are also searching for themselves.
Grace is imperative and sufficient in Christ. Grace is highly misunderstood and hard to accept but Grace is real.
Grace has allowed me to be an imperfect, broken vessel who is constantly being humbled by Love. Though I'm still learning how to fully accept Grace, Grace has allowed me to finally understand a song my mother has sang to my sister and I since I was my daughters age.
At first, I always wondered why she cried every time she played this song. Then as I got older and expected a perfect mother, the song irritated me. As a young adult and mother, the song came to my heart a few times but I wasn't healed enough to listen to it. I couldn't really receive the true, deep love that was articulated in the song. Then I forgot about it for years until, I said "Yes" to Jesus. At that point, I began to fully face my past with strength, authority and a heart ready to heal. My eyes were then opened.
These are the words to the song:
“You are my baby and then, You are my friend You are the reason I go on You are my dreams You are my fears You are the tear whispered in prayer Somewhere inside ya know Ya know I'm trembling I've seen enough to be afraid, yea I look at you and I Remember myself searching Let me prepare you for What lies ahead From mother to daughter Everyday our love is so brand new You're like no other No one else can take the place of you I thank God and I pray He keeps you safe from harm Cause when the working day is done I long to hold you in my arms Cause when the working day is done I long to hold you in my arms And I know what a woman Has to face to survive And I know there be some days You have to cry Let me wrap you in The blanket of my love Let me shield you When the working day is done I long to hold you in my arms Cause when the working day is done I long to hold you in my arms Cause when the working day is done I long to hold you in my arms From mother to daughter From mother to daughter”
My mother worked hard. She worked hard in ways I'm sure she's not proud of to feed her children. To house her children. To protect her children.
Now, this song will be passed on to my daughter. My mother started a legacy. A song that expresses the true love of a mother will now be shared for generations.
The love of a mother is unconditional.
B E I N G a mother forces you to grow. It forces you to lean on God. It forces you to believe that there HAS to be more. It forces you to search and it forces you to realize you are supernatural.
But only B E I N G a mother. D O I N G motherhood leaves you to believe it's all about you. B E I N G a mother allows you to be free, and live. B E I N G a mother allows you to give and enjoy every moment of it.
Don't waste another moment that isn't promised by D O I N G.
Happy Mother's Day.